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If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Life with a cat in one tweet
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Life cycle of cat
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC