My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
You Might Also Like
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.