Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”