Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My diet starts in January
of 2027
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.