Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.