Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
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*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
eggs benadryl
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.