*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
The “baby” on the left….