I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Favourite diary entry ever
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.