“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I like crazy people until they notice me
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
what could possibly go wrong?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂