Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good