If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh