I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids