Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side