Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.