Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
You Might Also Like
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Tell me you get it…🤣
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
congratulations to them