7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”