The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
There’s never enough good news
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
This is sending me to another galaxy