did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
succession but with mickey mouse and friends