*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
who did the taste test?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears