Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Comparing yourself to others
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.