Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –