[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
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ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate