When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.