If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart