Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.