Banderslack Clamberdorch
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Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
This guy’s not having it 😆
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.