When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
for all #parents out there
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all