Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.