I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go