SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work