the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
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Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.