[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“No way.” -Jose
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow