My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
You Might Also Like
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
me when i see my girls butt
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.