Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?