We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
courtroom exchange of the day
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
This tweet has been deleted
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person