Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before