Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
You Might Also Like
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
What a kind woman! 😂😂
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.