Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob