“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
*frowns in Scottish*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
BaD BoY!!