What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
You Might Also Like
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.