Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more