This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
adam and eve had first world problems
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY