Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
cry laughing at this shit
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs