NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
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*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.