“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
You Might Also Like
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I鈥檓 really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
MOM: sleep tight, don鈥檛 let the bedbugs bite 馃檪
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can鈥檛 bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 馃巿
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn鈥檛 want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam鈥檚 toothbrush: show off
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life