I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.