Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
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There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree