Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did