kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.