I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Ok but actually
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.